I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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