When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
