I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
