i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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