i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
