Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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