So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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