It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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