It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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