he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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