Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's never too late to be topless.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
