u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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