it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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