I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
