I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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