I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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