My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
