the new term for farting is butt boxing.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You ruined the universe
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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