you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
