I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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