I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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