I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I have fence marks all over my body
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
