My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
