Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
