WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
