I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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