Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I need a beard to bite.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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