I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
