eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
