I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I did not marry a roomba.
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