That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
