So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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