Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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