Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
