My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
