Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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