Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
