my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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