She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
