if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
