Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
