I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
