Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
