Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
