Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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