One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
