grandma shit on top of the toilet
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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