also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
