Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
