all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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